We dont even know that this other woman told the bf that she is pregnant. caitie_didnt But women and children, in the context of child custody and support systems, end up in extremely unfortunate and unfair situations far more often. April 9, 2012, 12:24 pm. His response to my comment was all dont tell me what to do with my body. Again, this was the perfect time to walk away, and end it with him. Stop insulting her and learn to see the situation for what it really is. And you wonder why people accuse the threads of being hostile toward males? iseeshiny Hes not obligated to be there emotionally, especially if he made it clear to the woman that he did not want this baby in the first place. Translation: men should think before they poke but women can do whatever they damn well please. Personally, it doesnt sound like shes trying to trap your untrappable boyfriend into a relationship YOU are trying to trap him, or get rid of him, by telling him he should stay with her because its his kid (and then you go around calling her (the mother of your BFs child) scoat and such very classy)! Some of the best advice my mom ever gave me way back in the day was Listen. He could've at least waited a week after coming back! Really!? Still, if I were the LW and I saw my newly reunited BF acting this way about his soon to be born child, Id get the heck out of there. Run. It was one of those comments that deserved the opportunity to be liked twice anyway. At which point, no matter what form the chastisement comes, feminists are going to be looking for REAL men..and not finding them. We have no guarantee that the mother will be as good a single parent as those mentioned in this discussion. So, you read the letter and all of the replies and what you got out of it is that a guy got a girl preganant who he doesnt want to be with his entire life and everyone responding considers him a jackass because of that? If this woman wants to have the child, then she can have it: why is it up to you or your boyfriend to tell her she cant? This is the set up for some serious melodrama. Putting that opinion into action with either government or private coercion is that to which we have no right. Find someone without baggage. You deserve better. I have a friend in somewhat related situation. I know youre just trying to tell us that the little scroat wont be able to trap him, buttttt it looks like you cant hold onto him either? These are very common questions going through a guy's mind when he finds out his ex had a baby with someone else and now wants him back. Men this means condom.
Yep. We have been broken up for a few months but have remained friends and in contact. I believe I saw the C-word used at least once. Anyone would be angry in this situation. I appreciate the points youre trying to make. You have no say whatsoever in this situation. Grow the fuck up! Not to mention raising the baby, which women are way way WAAAYYY more likely to do alone than men. I agree that condoms provide significantly better protection than not wearing anything. The father would divorce himself from the child and any obligations to the mother. Weeks. The law does not say men need to be financially responsible if the woman decides he should be. He has a choice he can be a father and split the responsibility with the mother instead of forcing her to have sole responsibility. We met up again and my family grew fond of him finally. April 10, 2012, 7:10 pm. No one has a condom, Lady says Its cool, Im on the pill and Dude says awesome, I already took my Viagra anyway, cant really run to the store. They bone. I honestly dont believe any of this will ever be an issue for you. So the law says, hey, you two created this child, you two are responsible for supporting it. April 9, 2012, 12:08 pm. Which brings me to my question for LW: You say your boyfriend is 40 years old, but how old are YOU? So, to be clear, every woman who has had an abortion is, in your mind, an immature asshole. As we established earlier, men dont really have the option to walk out on a fetus, because the fetus doesnt need anything from them yet (although certainly dads-to-be provide a lot of support to moms-to-be in most cases). Who actually uses cod wollop, malarky and scroat? Why would you disregard opinions that are based on the data thats actually there, and then defend yours which is based on a guess you made about people you dont know? Oh I definitely agree, a laid back scenario is no more absurd, it really depends on how people take what he is saying. Should you be frustrated at the situation? 6napkinburger I gave him a green flag to make his decision and let him off the hook for any and all care and support, so long as such decision was irrevocable. April 10, 2012, 8:46 am, he does not have the option to opt out entirely. female
Forcing him to stay with her isnt going to make anyone happy at all. You know, if he was tricked its not surprising that he would say these things.
Im not saying he did.
You have no opinion in this matter. But that doesnt mean she has the right to be angry at this man either. There has to be a reason behind all this vitriol. My point is if you dont want kids there are always ways to prevent that he chose not to and now he can deal with the consequences. She didnt sneak up in the dark of the night and steal his seed and turkey baste herself, Chuck. Who then supports the child that the man made? 2. the guy is not worth you in a relationship. Men cant choose to abort because biology dictates that the fetus is not in their body. Here 13 common reasons guys start missing and try to go back to their ex. I wish there was some way he could have prevented himself from ejaculating into a woman if only there was some way he could have arranged that some way for him to have control over his reproductive material or the choice of woman or the choice to ejaculate at all if only the poor man no choice in the matter AT ALL Its not fair to create more fucked up human beings by being the father a kid never had; by making them think theres something about them that wasnt good enough. Temperance My hand has never been comfortable in cooler weather ever since.. At a minimum LW needs to take a wait and see attitude. Well, custody deals with life choices (what school they go to, what religion theyre raised as, what kind of medical treatments they get, etc.). Dude, thats seriously out of line. Im currently going through a rough breakup with my partner of nearly 9 years, and if this happened to me two months from now I would be having angry, irrational emotions too. Men are stupid and do stupid things, but so are women. I dont know if hes a bad guy or not since we only have the ex-girlfriends side of the story. The child support goes to support the child. But because I am perfectly fine with pregnancy being a strict liability issue. , CatsMeow Youve given me a lot to think about in terms of my views on raising children that come out of short term flings and im appreciative for the insight. He can take all the risks he wants its his choice. Glad to see youve really listened to fellow commentators, reflection on their contributions carefully and made a meaningful contribution to the DW community. It is duplicated below. Your statement that she would not allow him to see his kids indicate that he has more than one child. He can change his mind at any time and will likely get visitation at minimum. Of course we have a right to an opinion, even if our opinion is that dirty sluts shouldnt breed. While I stand by my statements about this woman being a total idiot, etc., and the fact that I dont think anyone was calling him scum for having sex with someone after he broke up with his girlfriend, I will say that I agree with the idea that its unfair for guys that they have no say in keeping or aborting but will be on the hook for child support even if they wanted the mother to have an abortion. Lucky us. OH MY GOD!! A LW comment would at least help me to believe its valid. Hes decided on what hes going to do, and it does not involve you. Only a valid argument of youre completely unaware of how babies are made and that birth control does not prevent pregnancy but only reduces the likelihood. . I agree with all of this. And is this letter for real? hamster van beethoven Im arguing that he should be able to get out of the responsibility in the same way that a woman can get out of that responsibility. im not disagreeing with you. Your boyfriend made his choice when he had unprotected sex. April 9, 2012, 9:23 am. Males who have been RAPED still have to pay child support. All it is is having someone served w papers requiring them by law to have a q tip swab their mouth. You cant bear life without each other yet hes untrappable? No man would abandon a woman he impregnates. A lottery win implies she is loaded and set for life. lets_be_honest Why do you assume everything is so laid back though? This guy, you can most definitely live without. But, it would have reduced the chances. If the father is ready to accept 100% responsibility for his actions and keep the child, but the woman, not ready for motherhood, wants to abort the child and move on, what do we call this woman? And water. April 10, 2012, 8:54 pm. submandave iseeshiny Um, yeah. Hes scum all around in my book. April 9, 2012, 10:04 pm. But again the adoption makes that all moot. You dont have an obligation to be faithful to an ex-girlfriend or boyfriend! Consider that this man is 40 years old, but still immature. Woman are more easily able to get custody and so are more likely to get support. Its unfortunate that he may potentially be a life-long relationship as parents with this woman, in addition to the legal responsibilities for the child, but any 40 year old man knows that is a potential risk. Id confirm that hes actually the father. I just picture this LW with only tiny chunks of her brain left rattling around in her head as she sputters out this completely illogical rubbish (malarky). April 9, 2012, 2:54 pm. I agree with SweetsandBeets. Scenario 2. Its easier just to blame her and act like hes an innocent victim, but hes not. And before we launch into a discussion of how terrible abortion is, in this case (the LW) were talking about one that is very early on. What the LW needs to do is take a deep breath, wait a long time for this situation to resolve, and then decide what she wants to do. If men abandon a child, you have a child with needs that take precedent over fairness to the abandoning parent. she doesnt have to be unlucky or a liar to be taking her pills incorrectly. April 12, 2012, 2:47 am. Just keep right on thinking about yourselves as so many of you seem so want to do. Against it? unfortunately, ive seen more than one person take pills the wrong way (whether it be because they forget, dont take it at exactly the same time, dont pay attention to warnings about drug interactions, etc). April 9, 2012, 9:16 pm. A full-on communication stop after a breakup is rare these days. At this point, she doesnt even know for certain that the woman is pregnant or that its his child. Therefore, move on. Im so glad SOMEONE pointed that out. If you are a woman, if you just met a guy, and if you become pregnant, you can get 20+ years of child support. Deadly, sure, but not highly infectious. Again, no. Its not fair to create a child and then abandon it. But then again the child might be better off without such an jerk as a role model. -Is furious with her for keeping her baby reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2010): A
And thats a double entendr. Or shes against abortion. Personally, I wouldnt. His utter failure to own up to his actions is appalling. Im not sure. He ought to get a vesectomy since this guy is obviously carrying the manchild gene. I dont think Ive ever seen you swear on here before! Its a difficult question. It is due to his own stupidity if he thought that a single sexual encounter could not produce a child, that birth control pills would definitely prevent him from impregnating someone or that he could legally opt out if a pregnancy occurred. You are in a relationship where you are the one responsible for everything. April 9, 2012, 7:11 pm. Im not exactly sure that the one million people currently estimated to be living in the U.S. would agree with you, but I am fairly certain the 500,000 dead definitely wouldnt. Leaving the issues of the suggested abortion and unprotected sex aside (which have also been beaten over the head on this thread), that was what really struck me as I was looking through these comments. It may be more than a coincidence that your girlfriend or wife announced she was pregnant right after you broke up with her. Ummm sorry your comparison is ridiculous because in that case its 100% the fault of the person eating at the restaurant. Is it fair the the woman has to be the one to undergo a surgical, often time traumatic procedure when a man can just move and disappear? Imagine lending your new car to a friend who led you to believe they just needed to make a quick run to the Piggly Wiggly, only to have them return it to you totaled after having taken it on a weeklong bender in Vegas. Thats the responsible thing for anyone to do after having unprotected sex and before beginning a new relationship. And at 40 years of age, he should know how babies are made and if he didnt want kids, maybe he should have considered getting snipped? Its a crappy scenarios but shit happens, and theres really nothing YOU can do about it. This isnt about a child who has been born and who has needs. You sound awfully bitter to me. I think it is unfair that the man cant have sex without the possibility of becoming a parent, but the woman can.. April 9, 2012, 1:13 pm. Though Ill grant you one concession: Not having this man in a childs life might be a blessing in disguise. Perhaps youd like to refute them instead of going the easy route and calling him a troll simply because he disagrees with you. Not only was she on the pill, but he wore a condom! I dont think you have the maturity to deal with this sort of complexity so I would peace out for the sake of everyone involved, especially the baby. Both of their attitudes kind of suck. Youre right, what your life has become isnt fair- to anyone involved. Most guys will not pass up good sex and they . Drugs was just one theory to how she got that way. SpaceySteph Even if you wore a condom. It makes sense that she would do everything she could to convince us that this other woman wanting to keep the child is the worse thing ever because theyre obviously meant to be and this childs existence is a testament to the fact that their (former and/or current) relationship wasnt/isnt perfect. Not in the 50s or 60s and maybe not as late as the 80s but today the father gets joint custody. Wheww. I could understand that he would be shocked and unhappy, but who does that? April 9, 2012, 9:39 pm. There is an obvious reason why we are all pretty damn sure he didnt use a condom For starters, itd have been the big leading point of the letter He so doesnt know how this happened! I have been trying to have a rational conversation with people unfamiliar with reason. It is scummy though. April 10, 2012, 10:20 pm. Addie Pray If you are so against men having to pay for a child they dont want that was nonetheless created by their penis couldnt you make this issue a hell of a lot easier by just telling your male friends to wrap it up? reader, iz07a+, writes (11 March 2010): A
Who are we talking about now? 12, 14, and 16 year old girls are statutorily raped, too, and their rapists? Whatever you do, leave the future children or the pregnancy out of the equation when it comes to your relation. Cut your losses and get the hell out. Nothing about that makes him a bad person. How fast his new relationship is moving. Nope, none of it matters. You deserve better than that (and ditto what everyone else has said your beef is with your scumbag boyfriend, not the other girl or the baby). Scummy is the wrong word to use. Thanks for proving you and your ilk are out to entrap men to sustain your lifestyle by dropping as many babies as you can..and living on welfare checks honest people pay for..SLUT! SpaceySteph Given that youve never met him, how is it that you can be so sure of that? The time prior to conception is the only time this can be anything close to fair. Adoptive parents are as capable as any others of deciding that having a child isnt right for them, that they werent as prepared for it as they thought, and that the child isnt really theirs, and theyre as likely to have other major negative events in their lives as anyone. Why are you mopping and crying over a man who clearly doesnt want to be with you? And we dont really know that she actually said shes on the pill or if she is indeed really pregnant or if the lw truly wants him to go off and marry the other woman. April 9, 2012, 12:16 pm. That line of reasoning is fine but condescending only for those who never in their entire lives have ever done anything that might have resulted in something unexpected (and unwanted) happening. However, if a woman has sex with a man, she can make all the choices and decisions, force palimony, and essentially treat that man as their financial slave for the next 18 years. Im not a lawyer, or in any way familiar with the law about these things, so my assumption is based on what a friend told me first hand about his experience. Not everyone believes that.
But not usually. reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2008): A
Its a great idea, really, for someone who is unfit and probably on the verge of abuse or something else horrible. If you are sure to always love, support, and listen to your child, he/she will be just fine! SweetsAndBeats He was clearly having unprotected sex with at least one other person. Thank God for the laws in place protecting children against men like you. The LW clearly believes that this is the case, and an objective reading of the circumstances she describes suggests that its a legitimate consideration. April 9, 2012, 12:29 pm. Maam, he didnt waste any time moving on from you. Steve Kellmeyer April 10, 2012, 7:21 pm. So deal with that. Sleeping with someone so soon after a breakup? You seem upset at biology that women are the ones that carry the children and and therefore has the ability to decide or not to continue on with a pregnancy whereas a guy doesnt have that same right. This week she contacted him to say she was pregnant. They were broken up so he had no obligation to the LW. He had a FWB relationship with a girl and always used condoms. ! 5. Yes, it would be nice if he were eager to become a parent. But biology runs the show and grown adults know the game going in. Welcome to adulthood. Even if shes a lunatic psycho who got pregs on purpose, you have no one to blame but your boyfriend. Well, they dont entirely disregard fairness to the mother and/or father, but the childs interests take precedent. This baby will need a dad, not just a check, and if he can walk away from this child he can walk away from you just as easily. April 10, 2012, 5:55 pm, Heterophobe, hmmm, thats new one. Come on, though Three times? Second, regardless of what sort of cretin this dude is, the baby mama is no better. And if so, Im ready. Have an abortion or Ill be furious = Have fries with that or Ill be furious > Psycho. April 10, 2012, 10:24 am. Chuck Pelto It doesnt sound like hes ready to be a one-woman man and get married (let alone start a family), and it doesnt sound like the LW is entirely willing and able to deal with being with a man who has fathered a child that isnt theirs. and if you arent mature enough to deal with those things (as well as the potential for an unplanned pregnancy) dont have sex. She is sovereign over her own body. I came back to re-read because I was worried my reply would be disjointed and confusing (I wrote it tired last night, with a fever), so Im glad that while its not going to win any literary award, it wasnt totally nonsensical! And should. We were apart for over five years when he announced he was becoming a father, and even though all that time had passed and despite my happiness with my new husband, it still conjured up a lot of . reader, kmart+, writes (24 July 2008): A
Youre all about putting consequeces on her choice to keep the baby what about his consequences? Considering the fact that I know far more gay guys having sex (and lots more of it, with more partners, too) than I do straight people and I can honestly say none of my good gay friends have ever magically come down with HIV, yet I can name 8 people who against all odd just happened get themselves or their lovers knocked up Seriously. We decided to get back together as we cant bear life without each other. Whats your lawyers address? And because a mans physical committment to the pregnancy ends after coming, the woman gets to make the call. Why you ask? is significantly higher than the risk of contracting HIV, which is actually not all that contagious. ha, Ive done too many drugs too. All rights reserved. Especially since, had he been the woman and felt the same way, he would have quietly aborted the child without inviting half the scorn hes received here. Im only speaking on speculation, of course, since I was not a part of the situation and only heard about from him. LW, your anger is misdirected. Just stay away from mens wallets. I always try to take what the LW says at face value though, and a lot of times I turn out to be very wrong when the updates come around, but I still always think its better to react to what they said not what I think they said. He says fine, Ill support you financially, but really I dont wanna be a dada. How does your law see that both get what they want? It doesnt even come close. Abortion and adoption are both horrifying thoughts to Susie but she has no choice. They talk, hed says hed rather not have a kid and would like her to get an abortion.
You want to look awesome in comparison to this new guy. Chuck Pelto Having the right to do something OBVIOUSLY doesnt mean its always a good idea. Gain some maturity and realize that you have no part in this decision, shes decided to keep the baby, shes the one who will be carrying the baby, raising the baby, etc Grow up LW and dump him. Terminating his Parental Rights just means he has no say in childs education, no visitaton, etc. Does that change your opinion? I could understand that he would be shocked and unhappy, but who does that? Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop(Atria Books June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books November 2010; $15). But by that same logic, you must be prepared to call a woman who doesnt want to be a mom a scumbag for getting an abortion (in the instances the guy wants to keep it but that woman doesnt). Weird question. April 10, 2012, 7:22 pm. I think I said that about my boyfriend was I was about 15. female
The laws are unfair because they arent designed to be fair to the PARENTS- theyre designed to work in the best interest of the innocent child that didnt choose to be born. More like: her: what do you want to do about it? I hate a society that even makes this an issue. Its not some big secret that women have that option and that men are legally obligated to provide financially if she exercises that option. So, therefore, Im not so sure what you are finding so hard to get over about him, and why do you let him keep coming back into your life? April 9, 2012, 4:59 pm, FancyPants My sister has 3 birth control babies. While I realize that this is a stressful situation, your letter indicates that you will always harbor resentment for this child and this woman who will be in you and your boyfriends lives FOREVER. And yes, women do use the laws to trap men into financing their lifestyle of choice (as a single mother).. And since shes the one with the baby in HER uterus, theres not a whole lot you can do to force her to have the abortion or stop her from doing so. At least with adopted children, they usually have one or two great parents who can explain, in a way that doesnt hurt them or damage their self-worth, why they were put up for adoption. In a feature I call Your Turn, in which you, the readers, get to answer the question, Im presenting the following letter without commentary from me: I told him to stay with her and have this family as I dont want to be any cause for them breaking up, but he told me there was no way he was staying with her because he cant stand her. Everything is he: He is in love with you, so in love that he humped another woman; so in love that he wanted to kill a baby to be with you. If youd like to share you e-mail, we could correspond more about this. If hes being deceived then hes a willing participant. I dont feel like his decision to not be involved in his biological childs life makes him an immature asshole. Why isnt it fair of him to be angry? Run as if your life depends on it because it does. Not with hormonal BC, not with 2 methods of BC, not when one of the individuals has been sterilized. Its none of your business. In a perfect, totally fair world, both men and women would get stuck with pregnancy and rearing of children because they both equally engage in the sex that results in the pregnancy. Kansas City, Missouri. But simply disagreeing with others does NOT fit the definition of a troll, not by a long shot.